Squirrel Wars
by misspatchesmom
Summary: Tim McGee tries to rid the McGee backyard of squirrels with help from Tony and Jimmy. Part of the "You Complete Me" universe.


Squirrel War

 _Tim's fight to get the squirrels out of the McGee backyard, with help from Tony and Jimmy. October 2026_

Tim watched the squirrel dig in Delilah's rose beds from the patio. He sighed; the squirrel population in their backyard seemed to have grown exponentially over the summer. He could see at least seventeen squirrels from where he stood, not including the dozen or so in the neighbors' yards.

He was also certain that a pair of squirrels had built a nest in the old oak tree near the shed. Just as he was thinking about the squirrels' nest, he watched three young squirrels come out of the hole in the trunk of the tree. Great, more squirrels in their yard; just what they needed. NOT! He watched as the three youngsters scampered down the trunk of the tree and scattered around the yard. Two of the creatures headed to the planters with the mums and started digging.

Tim sighed again, and headed towards the shed. He had come outside to get the leaves raked and bagged and standing on the patio watching squirrels was not getting the job done. He had promised Delilah that the leaves would be ready for hauling to the curb for pick up by the end of the weekend. He pulled the rakes and yard waste bags out of the shed to start working. Delilah and the kids were with Ziva and their DiNozzo cousins at the elementary school fall fair.

Tim raked the leaves into piles; he thought about calling Tony to come over, but he remembered that his brother was working today at FLETC at the annual training day for the area police forces. Clay was busy with family; he and Ellie had their first child in August. Little Savannah was just two months old. Nick was on assignment to Los Angeles, and Jimmy had gone out of town with his family for the weekend. Tim thought about calling Gibbs, but he knew the man's knees wouldn't allow him to stand for long and that raking leaves would aggravate the pains.

As Tim raked the leaves into piles, the squirrels ran back and forth around the yard, pretty much ignoring the human presence. They nosed into the piles sometimes scattering the leaves and also dug in the flower beds and planters, burying acorns. Tim was raking under the old oak tree near the shed when he was startled from his thoughts by something hitting him on the head. He looked up to see two squirrels munching on acorns in the branches above. Several acorns were at his feet. One of the critters dropped the partially eaten acorn it had been holding; Tim felt it hit his shoulder.

He started bagging the leaves from the piles, leaving full bags in the place of the leaf piles. Tim had filled eight bags of leaves when his stomach rumbled. He glanced at his watch and realized that it was almost 1330. Time to take a break for some lunch; he propped the rake against the shed and headed inside to get some food.

Inside, he washed his hands and made himself a sandwich and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. He opened his laptop and logged on to check his personal email. His sister Sarah had sent pictures of her three boys. They were a rambunctious group, the twins were six and the youngest just three. All three were dressed in Minecraft costumes; waving and posing for Uncle Tim and Aunt Dee. Tim smiled as he browsed the photos. All three boys had Sarah's smile and facial features. They reminded Tim of a young Sarah.

He was interrupted in his thoughts by the alarm on his phone; he had set it for about an hour before Dee and the kids were expected to be home. He quickly logged out of his email and shut the laptop. Time to get the rest of the leaves bagged. He grabbed a bottle of water and a snack pack of Nutter Butters as he headed outside. He placed his snack on the picnic table on the patio.

Tim went out in the backyard and raked and bagged four more bags full. He put the rake in the shed and grabbed the yard cart to move the bags of leaves to the curb. He put the last four that he had bagged on the cart and hauled it out to the street. Then, back to the yard for the next four. The squirrels were still moving about the yard, and still digging in Delilah's rose bed and planters.

He picked up the nearest two bags and moved to the next two. He picked up the first of these two and noticed leaves falling from the bottom. Tim inspected the bag as he placed it on the cart. The damned squirrels had chewed a hole in the bottom corner! He picked up the next bag; more chewed corners. He shook a fist at the nearest squirrels and hauled the cart to the street again.

The last four bags were in the back part of the yard. A movement on the patio caught Tim's attention. There were two squirrels munching on Nutter Butters on the top of the table. "HEY!" he yelled out and chased the critters, running at the patio. One squirrel shoved the cookie into its mouth and ran off. The other, a black-nosed squirrel with a ragged ear, continued munching until Tim stepped onto the patio. As it ran off, dropping what was left of the cookie, Tim shook his fist at the creature. "This is war, squirrels!" Damn if he would let them get away with eating his unopened package of his favorite snack!

Tim took a drink from the water bottle and tossed the rest of the Nutter Butters from the package into the yard. That would be the ONLY cookies those blasted squirrels would get from him. He went to the back of the yard to get the last four bags of leaves to move to the curb. The squirrels had chewed the corners on all four. He heard the chatter of a squirrel in the tree branch above him and looked up. He shook a fist at the pesky critter, "Enjoy your last week in the McGee backyard, squirrel. Next weekend you and your buddies are gone!"

Tim planned to get some humane traps and take the squirrels to a park near the kids' school. He would get those pests out of his yard one way or another. He would call Tony and Jimmy to help him set the traps and they could then move the captured squirrels in Tony's truck.

At the family dinner on Sunday afternoon, Tim mentioned the squirrel problem to Tony and Jimmy. "There have to be at least two dozen squirrels in the yard. They are digging in Dee's roses and planters. They chewed the corners on eight of the dozen bags of leaves that I raked up yesterday," Tim listed the offenses of the gray pests. "The worst of it was when two of them ate my Nutter Butters!"

Tony laughed, "Why did you give them your snacks?"

"I didn't. They took the unopened package off the picnic table!"

"Get a dog, Tim," Jimmy suggested. "Since we got Star and Bones, there are hardly any squirrels in the yard!"

"Yeah, get a dog!" Tony nodded agreement with Jimmy. "Asher and Daisy do a pretty good job of keeping the squirrels out of our yard too. Or get a cat or two. Or one or two of each."

Tim thought a minute, "I want to try the humane traps first. If I can get them moved to a park or away from the yard, maybe that will cut the population to a manageable size."

"Okay, I'll help you McSquirrel Warrior." Tony grinned at Tim.

Jimmy nodded his agreement, "I'm in, but I still think getting a dog would be easier and a better long term solution."

The following weekend, Tony picked up Tim to go buy the traps for the squirrels. Tim bought five, all the local store had in stock, and after the two loaded the traps into Tony's truck, Tim called Jimmy to meet them at the McGee house. The three men set the traps in the yard in various places and baited them with an assortment of enticements. Two of the traps had sunflower seeds as bait, two had peanut butter on bread, and the fifth one had a pile of acorns on each side.

The brothers went inside to watch some college football games. Four hours later, they went out to check the traps. Both sides of the traps with the peanut butter bread had squirrels in them. One side of the one of the sunflower seed traps had two squirrels in it. The rest were empty. Tony picked up a trap and carried it to his truck. The squirrels looked at him, but stayed still and crouched down. Jimmy picked up the trap with the two squirrels in the same side; again the animals crouched down and stayed still.

Tim picked up the second trap with a squirrel in each side. One of the squirrels had a black nose and a ragged ear. It hissed at him and lunged towards the side of the trap. Tim nearly dropped the whole thing on the ground as Tony and Jimmy started laughing.

"Not funny, guys," Tim complained. "It tried to attack me!"

"McSquirrel Whisperer you are not," Tony joked. "Let's get these six to their new home." The three piled into the truck and Tony drove to the park. They placed the traps on the ground in a grassy area and prepared to release the doors to free the squirrels. Tony took the trap with the "attack" squirrel since Tim kept giving the thing the evil eye.

"On three," Jimmy said. "One, two, three!" The brothers released the trap doors together, and six squirrels ran out of their confinements. The one with the black nose and ragged ear turned towards Tim and headed at him. Tony started laughing as Tim backed up and then ran to the truck. Tony and Jimmy gathered the now empty traps and put them into the bed of the truck.

They returned to the McGee house and put more peanut butter bread into the three traps and placed them around the yard. By the time they were done, it was dinner time. Delilah called them in from the yard and the family ate the roast chickens that Dee had made along with the vegetables and potatoes that Ziva and Breena had brought. Gibbs had brought pies for dessert. The family all had a good laugh at Tony's retelling of the squirrel chasing Tim.

"Get a dog, Tim!" Gibbs offered his suggestion.

"That's what I keep telling him," Jimmy responded. "Star and Bones keep our yard squirrel free!"

Ziva added, "Come to think of it, we have very few squirrels on our property. Having two dogs and four cats probably has a lot to do with that."

"See, McSquirrel, everybody thinks you should get a dog or a cat or both!" Tony grinned.

"Daddy, can we get a dog, please?" Katie gave her father her best puppy eyes.

"Yeah, Dad, a dog would be cool," John added. "Please?"

Tim looked at Delilah, who said, "Okay with me."

"No dogs. I had a dog but I'm not really a dog person!" Tim shook his head.

"Jethro was a good dog!" Abby protested. "He liked you!"

"Um, Abby, that dog tolerated me at best. He only did that because you were the one he listened to mostly."

The next day, Tony helped Tim move the eight squirrels that had entered the traps. All five traps had at least one squirrel. They took the creatures to the same park and let them go. Tim was ready to run each time they released trap doors to free the critters. Tony had to suppress a laugh each time. Back at the McGee house, they put the traps in the shed for the following weekend. Tim didn't want to have them in the yard during the work week, not wanting the squirrels to have to stay in the traps for most of the day while he was at work.

The following weekend, Tony again helped Tim set the traps on Saturday morning. Jimmy came over before noon and the three watched football as they waited for the traps to catch squirrels. About 1500, they went out into the backyard. Tony picked up a trap with three squirrels in it. One of them had a black nose and ragged ear.

"Hey, Tim," Tony called out. "Come here a minute!"

"Be right there, Tony!" Tim put the trap with two squirrels that he had carried to the truck in the bed. He walked over to Tony and gasped as Tony stuck the trap he had in his hand into Tim's face. "Can't be!"

"Looks as though your buddy is back!' Tony laughed as Jimmy came over to look as well. "It's ba-ack!" The squirrel hissed and lunged at Tim as Tony spoke.

"Damn!" Jimmy grinned, "I think that squirrel remembers you, Tim!"

"Oh, hell; we need to take that one to a park farther away!" Tim declared. "I don't want it back ever! That thing hates me."

They decided to release the eleven squirrels in the traps at a park over on the other side of town, hoping to keep the black-nosed squirrel from returning. The following day the traps captured another seven squirrels and Tim and Tony took them to the park by the kids' school for release.

On the third weekend of the squirrel war, there were only four in the traps on Saturday afternoon. Tony and Tim released them at the park near the school again. On Sunday, the black-nosed squirrel returned yet again. Tim yelled out as he saw it in the trap; Tony came running.

"Damn, Tony, it's back again!" The squirrel hissed and lunged at Tim. "Shit, it's pissed! You pick up the trap, Tony, please!"

Tony tried not to laugh as he carried the trap to his truck. The black-nosed squirrel was the only one in that trap. Two others were in two other traps. "Where do you want to free your buddy this time?"

"As far away as we can!" Tim replied. "How about that park near Director Vance's house?"

"Works for me!" Tony drove to the park and they released the three squirrels. As the black-nosed one left the trap, it looked back at Tim. "It's waving to you, Tim!"

"No it's not," Tim retorted. "It's giving me the squirrel stink eye."

"Get a dog, Tim! That's the ONLY way you are going to get your buddy to leave for good."

On Tuesday, Tim got home early. He looked in the backyard to see how many squirrels were left. He saw three in the area near the shed. A motion on the patio caught his eye. He looked and did a double take. The black-nosed squirrel with the ragged ear was staring at him. He took a picture with his phone and sent it to Tony. ' _Guess who's back?_ '

Tony's reply came a few minutes later, ' _Get a DOG!_ '

When Dee and the kids came home, Tim told them about the return of his nemesis. "I think it's time we get a dog." John and Katie exchanged high fives. They decided to go to the local adoption shelter on Saturday.

When Saturday came, the family went to the shelter. John was wandering through the kennel area and a Golden Retriever caught his eye. When John started petting the dog, he leaned against the friendly human. "I want this one, Dad."

Katie, meanwhile, had befriended a female Dalmatian who returned the affection. "This one, Daddy!"

Delilah shrugged her shoulders as Tim looked at her. "Either one is okay with me." She looked at her children with the dogs, "Or both?" Tim nodded.

Two hours later, Rocket the Golden and Dotty the Dalmatian were headed to their new home with the McGee family. When they let the dogs into the backyard, the first thing Dotty did was chase the black-nosed squirrel with the ragged ear up a tree. It scolded the dog and made lots of angry sounds. When Tim went over to pet Dotty, the squirrel hissed at him. Dotty barked at it.

"Good girl, Dotty," Tim scratched behind the dog's ears. "Chase that nasty squirrel any time it is in our yard!"

A month later, the black-nosed squirrel was still in the McGee backyard. The overall squirrel population had decreased significantly, and Tim was no longer at war with the creatures. Whatever truce the dogs and the black-nosed squirrel had worked out was fine with him as long as the squirrel stayed in the tree!

* * *

 ** _A/N Happy birthday to Sean Murray!_**


End file.
